Andrie’s Birth Story
BACKSTORY
When Joe and I first began talking about starting our family, I thought here and there about how I would want to birth. While I was reading about natural birth I came across a documentary called The Business of Being Born. It opened our eyes to so many things regarding childbirth, and we both agreed I should get in contact with a midwife. A few days later I met with a midwife from a local group, who graciously and patiently answered all of my questions. At the end of the appointment, I knew I wanted to work with these midwives, and I made the switch then and there.
The main reason we decided to go natural was because we simply felt the Lord leading us to it. We just knew that it was right for us because God aligned both of our hearts to feel the same way and he gave us great peace about it. There are also many sub-reasons why I/we chose to pursue a natural birth, and here are just a few:
I was more afraid of NOT feeling anything than FEELING everything. I WANTED to feel everything. I wanted to know what was happening. I wanted to FEEL and FULLY EXPERIENCE this baby descending and entering the world. I wanted to FEEL my body working to let me meet my baby. I wanted to FEEL my baby working with my body to meet me. I wanted to FEEL the progress. I wanted to FEEL the miracle. I wanted to FEEL how powerful my body is.
I wanted to be fully present and alert when I got to meet my baby for the very first time - and I wanted my baby to be fully alert as she took her first breath, let out her first cry, looked at her mama and daddy, and nursed for the first time. I didn’t want medication to alter that experience whatsoever - even just been a little drowsiness.
I have become very passionate about this: Society has made birth out to be something that should be feared. It has made birth a medical procedure instead of a natural, miraculous experience. And I wanted an EXPERIENCE, not a procedure. I wanted to be excited to birth my baby, not terrified of it. And our culture and all of its movies tell us that birth is excruciating, that it is something to be numbed, and that we will be miserable. And I decided that I would NOT let that be MY birth. And it wasn’t!
From the moment we decided to go natural I blocked out anything negative about birth. I had realistic expectations, but I chose not to read about birth horror stories or listen to anyone who doubted natural birth. I knew that my mind was a major player in the game and if my mind was positive and focused on the Lord, I would be just fine. One way I helped prepare my mind was by reading through birth affirmations - encouraging phrases and Bible verses. My word was “surrender” - I chose to surrender to my body, surrender to the process of birth, surrender to the pain, and surrender to the Lord. I literally practiced surrendering to the pain anytime I would get a headache, stomach ache, etc. I would close my eyes, relax my entire body, imagine waves gently crashing over me and surrender to the pain. And it really helped!
Joe and I had talked early on about if we should hire a doula. We were preparing for birth together and reading a great book (The Birth Partner) that helped prepare Joe for how to help me during labor. He felt confident and I was confident in him, so we decided we’d be just fine. Then just before I hit 37 weeks, I started to get this gut feeling (and I know by now that gut feelings are from the Holy Spirit!) that we needed a doula. Joe was still confident in his ability to help me, and I never doubted him either - I just KNEW that for whatever reason, God was telling me we needed to get a doula. We hired Aly with just 2 weeks to spare.
LABOR & BIRTH
On Friday, April 13th, Joe and I went to my prenatal appointment. I was 39 weeks + 2 days. I declined a cervical check, and I didn’t feel anywhere near close to having a baby yet. When we got back from the appointment, Joe did some yard work and I bounced on the exercise ball in the driveway. I was messaging with my doula and she told me to try telling the baby I was ready for the big arrival and that it actually works for many women! So I rubbed my belly and told baby I was ready, that we were so excited to met him or her, and that he or she was welcome to come whenever the time was right.
A little while later, Joe and I went to Oscar’s for supper. While we were waiting for our table, my mom called and told me to try not to have a baby that weekend because there was a potential blizzard and they might not be able to get to town. A friend also asked if I felt like I was getting close to going into labor. I told both of them that I definitely did NOT feel like baby was coming in the next couple of days at all! After Oscar’s, we picked up my biggest pregnancy craving - a Triple Chocolate Meltdown from Applebee’s - and I asked Joe if we could just drive around for a while. During that drive, I was having TONS of Braxton Hicks - I had many throughout the third trimester, but these ones were almost constant. I started to wonder if my body was kicking things into gear and getting ready for labor. But it really was just a passing thought!
That night we went to bed early because I was feeling pretty tired. Right around 10:30, I had a stronger contraction, but I had a few of those throughout the week so I didn’t give it another thought and went to sleep. At 11:52 I woke up with another one - definitely the strongest I had felt - and timed it JUST in case. When it was over I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding. My first thought was that it was my bloody show and I thought, “Not tonight! I’m not ready!” not because I wasn’t ready - I just think I was surprised! But I soon realized it wasn’t exactly what a bloody show would be like and got nervous, so I called the midwife who was on call. After chatting she assured me I had nothing to worry about and said to call back if I had more contractions that were 4 minutes apart. I went back to bed and fell right asleep.
I woke up again at 12:01 and had 5 contractions at random intervals until 12:40, and then slept until the next one at 2:58. Sometime around then I called the midwife back because I had gone back to the bathroom and was still bleeding. She assured me it was fine, and that she had to go to a delivery and again said to call back when contractions were 4 minutes apart. Between 2:58 and 3:48, I had 6 contractions that were anywhere from 7-9 minutes apart. At 3:41 I texted my doula, Aly, to let her know I was having random but decently close contractions and that I was slightly nauseous and shaky after them. She said to rest as much as possible and let her know when I needed hands-on support. I then had a long break for almost 1.5 hours. Then from 5:07-7:33, I had several contractions with breaks anywhere from 3 to 11 minutes apart. Since they were all over the place, I didn’t think I was anywhere near having this baby. But the intensity was definitely ramping up. I thought that maybe by the following evening, we'd meet our baby. I mentally prepared to be in labor for quite a while.
When I felt a contraction coming on, I would get on my hands and knees, and when it passed I would flop down on my left side and try to sleep, even for just a couple of minutes. Laboring was intense and exhausting! Joe did whatever I asked and didn’t get offended when I pushed his hand off of my back...ha! He was great at remembering labor techniques and I was so impressed. He held the trash can when I got sick at one point when the contractions moved to my back - that was definitely the most intense part. I wouldn’t even call labor painful - just REALLY, REALLY, REALLY intense. I don’t know how else to describe it! I had three thoughts in my mind as I labored - one was my word “surrender”, another was “women have been doing this for ages, and right now there are women all over the world birthing with me” and once the contractions became stronger, my thought was just “Jesus”. I knew the Spirit would intercede on my behalf to give words to my simple prayer.
At 7:35 Joe texted the doula from my phone letting her know we needed support. He told her where my contractions were at and that I was breathing and moaning through them, wasn’t able to talk, and had an internal rhythm down. She said she would get ready to head over. At 7:53 my contractions suddenly all dropped to 3-minute intervals - keep in mind that right before this I was having up to 9-minute breaks between many of them! I was not getting rest between them as the “break” was just the intensity moving to my back. So much for “longer, stronger, closer together” all the books talk about...I just went from random contractions to transition (of course, nothing ever happens “by the book” for me)! Aly showed up at 8:15, got a cold washcloth, and did some other laboring techniques. At this point I was feeling a pushing pressure but didn’t think I could possibly be anywhere close to pushing - I figured I still had hours and hours to go! I remember thinking “I think I’m in transition!” and then immediately, “There’s no way I’m in transition already!”
Aly soon said it was probably time to go to the hospital. I got up, made it maybe 7 steps out of the bedroom into the hallway, and got down on the floor with a contraction. I felt like I needed to push, but Aly encouraged me not to (since baby wasn’t crowning yet, and also to hopefully make it to the hospital as planned) so I tried with all my might to resist. I knew at that point that we had to hurry. Once the contraction passed I went as fast as I possibly could to the garage and made it right by the car and got down on the garage floor and labored through another contraction, trying not to push and thinking, “I can’t believe I’m on the garage floor!” as I stared at a leaf, haha. But the cool concrete felt good. When it passed, Aly helped me in the back seat and told Joe she’d meet us there. I quickly said “NO! PLEASE COME WITH US!” and she didn’t argue! I sat in the middle back seat, between Aly and the car seat, on my knees with my arms hanging over the back of the seat. I remember thinking it was probably going to feel like a century before we got to the hospital, so I decided to try to keep my eyes closed the whole time. Aly told me to do horse lips and moan really deeply, and I didn’t hesitate to do exactly what she said, and it did help. At one point I looked up to see a pickup behind us and wondered if they could see in and realize there was a crazy lady in labor! It felt like only a blink of an eye later when I heard Joe on the phone with my mom. I looked up and realized we were taking the exit right by the hospital, and I couldn’t believe we were already there! Right about then I had an intense urge to push and I exclaimed, “BABY’S COMING!” Aly told me “Don’t push! Don’t push!” I trusted her and let my pelvis relax just enough to get some relief from the pressure/urge to push.
When we pulled up to the entrance, I thought (in much fewer words than this), “There’s no way I can walk or sit in a wheelchair going up to the second floor. I HAVE to be on my hands and knees and there’s only one way that can happen…” so I firmly exclaimed, “I NEED A F***ING STRETCHER!!!!” It’s true that women in labor have no filter!! It was 9:10. Aly came out with a large wheelchair which I made do with by riding on my knees and leaning over the back. Frustratingly enough, the buttons for the doors weren’t working and Joe had to manually open them while pushing me since Aly went to park the car. When we made it inside I thought, “I wonder what everyone is thinking”, but I had no idea the lobby was actually empty, ha. I had my eyes closed the entire time - I was in my zone. But I knew I probably looked like a hot mess!
The next thing I knew, we were on the second floor (after another door didn’t open and Joe had to maneuver me in while opening it himself…of course!). I didn’t remember this until later when I asked Joe, but the nurses took over and rushed me into the delivery room. Deep down I knew this baby was coming but in my mind, I couldn’t fathom that it was happening so quickly, but I saw them getting the trays out with all the tools and knew that this was the real deal! The nurses got me sideways on the bed and my midwife lifted my left leg to check me. Her finger went in and I felt a HUGE pop. My water literally shot out and exploded all over her. I remember her saying, “WOAH! Okay Jamie you’re going to give me 3 pushes and we’re going to have a baby!” I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! I was complete, 10 centimeters, and ready to have my baby!!
(The following is the exact play-by-play thanks to Aly taking a video!) They got me on the bed and put a monitor on to check on baby. It felt SO GOOD to not withhold the urge to push - it was very relieving. When the contractions passed I felt so much more relief than I had for a long time! I was able to actually relax between them. After the first push, I knew that there was no way the nurses were going to pull out my birth plan to read it over at this point, so I quickly said the things that were most important to me: “I want Joe to help me catch it” (lol, “it” since we didn’t know the gender) and, “Nobody tell me the gender, I wanna look!” Then my midwife told me she had been working with somebody else that had been laboring for a long time and here I walk in and we’re having a baby! I said, “I can’t believe it!” I was shaking a ton and then another contraction came. When it was over I looked deep into Joe’s eyes as I breathed it out. At that point, the nurse said, “We need oxygen,” and my midwife calmly but confidently told me we needed a long, steady push. She said babe was a little shell-shocked with everything that was happening. I didn’t know it at the time but her heart rate seemed (more on this below) to drop to 60. I knew I had a job to do. I had a long, silent push. When that contraction passed, they gave me some oxygen. At this point in the video, you can hear that baby’s heart rate seem to slow down even more. As the next contraction came on, my midwife said we really needed a long, steady push and that we need to get this baby out. I pushed as hard as I possibly could and baby crowned. I remember thinking, “This must be the ring of fire,” but it honestly didn’t hurt - it just felt like stretching. I was not in any discomfort at this point, I was just doing as I was told and pushing as hard as I possibly could, and it was a lot of work! At this point, a male doctor came in, which I was unaware of until I heard Joe say, “Sorry, sir, she doesn’t want any males in here,” and my midwife said, “He’s my backup,” and a nurse said, “He’s here for safety.” I didn’t really care at this point - it wasn’t that I was against a necessary male doctor, I just didn’t want males who weren’t absolutely needed to be in the room. But I was SO PROUD of Joe for remembering that preference and advocating for me! I pushed again and as baby’s head slowly came further out, my midwife gave me two episiotomies within 15 seconds. I had no idea this happened until Aly told me later. After the second cut, baby’s head popped all the way out, and Joe and I reached down to catch our baby. It was 9:24 am. I started screaming quick screams (I just couldn’t believe I was actually meeting my baby!!) and once she was on my chest I screamed, “My baby! My baby! Oh God, my baby!” over and over. The nurses started rubbing her down and I asked, “Don’t tell me what it is, but is it okay?” The nurse replied, “We just need a deep breath,” and my midwife said, “Baby’s kind of had a little bit of a stun." Our baby’s eyes were open and looking right into mine. I said, “Hi baby!” and then we heard the first little cry. My midwife asked, “Do you want to see what type of baby you got there?” I had forgotten all about the gender for a minute! And as I looked I asked, “What is it? Is it a girl?!” (I thought so but wanted to be absolutely sure! Ha! And I was expecting a boy just because I wanted a girl so bad!) And one of the nurses confirmed, “It’s a girl!” And I screamed, “ANDRIE!” And she really started crying. Joe was crying too! Andrie was all tangled in her umbilical cord - I couldn’t believe how long it was - it was around her neck and arms and everything. I was in a state of euphoria. I remember telling Joe, “I did it!” I’ve never felt so proud, so empowered, and so in awe.
Once things settled down, I put Andrie facedown on my chest and she did the breast crawl. I absolutely melted. I couldn’t believe she was actually doing it. Aly then helped us get a latch, and man, did she have a GREAT first latch! It felt so amazing to nurse her. I couldn’t believe that the baby I grew for nine months - who we talked to and loved but was still a mystery - was in my arms - and that we finally knew her name and had seen her face.
REFLECTION
Although there are many reasons I wanted a natural birth and many reasons why I would advocate for others to consider it as well, I always come back to this: the Lord knew exactly how my labor would go, and he knew that things would progress quickly and not according to the book. He knew that we would get to the hospital with just 14 minutes to spare. He knew there wouldn’t be time for an epidural even if I wanted one. So while I wouldn’t change a thing and will definitely always plan to go natural for so many reasons, I believe one reason the Lord put it on our hearts and led us to prepare for a natural birth was because he knew that’s what we’d get either way. I believe he also led us to hire a doula because had we not had Aly, I would have probably given birth at home, on our bed, with only Joe there. I am fully supportive of home birth, but it wasn’t our plan this time. And I wouldn’t have wanted to have our golden hour interrupted by paramedics trying to get us to the hospital!
For a long time, I have struggled with truly believing that God wants good things for me. And I think that for many years I have tricked myself into THINKING that I believed that God was for me and wanted to give me good things. During pregnancy, I realized how much I still struggle with the truth that God delights in giving us things that bring us joy.
This struggle combined with my long-time battle with anxiety led me to have a lot of anxiety over getting pregnant, the baby being healthy, and surviving life in the womb. I was honestly waiting for something bad to happen because things were just happening too easily - it seemed too good to be true. And I have a really bad habit of believing that good things always end badly. I know it might seem like I have no right to feel this way when we did not struggle to get pregnant or stay pregnant with Andrie, and I won’t pretend to know what that is like - but I know well the battle of anxiety, and anxiety doesn’t take reality into account. It doesn’t care about what good things are happening. It only tells you bad things will happen, and that’s what I was battling. And when nothing bad happened, my doubt in God moved into believing that BECAUSE I was hoping for a girl, we’d have a boy. I know this seems so silly, and I would have loved a little boy just as much as I love Andrie. But my mindset was that God was going to teach me a lesson by not giving me what I want, which is an incorrect mindset to have about our God! Our sins were paid for fully by Jesus. Yes, we face consequences for our sins - but they are just that. Consequences. Not punishment. God does not have any punishment left to pour out on us because it was all poured out on Jesus. And if he did, well, then what was the point of Jesus?
When I delivered our baby and saw that it was a girl, I was ecstatic. I couldn’t believe it. Up until the very moment I looked I was expecting it to be all boy, and I even asked just to be sure! I was so in awe and so in love. In the days that followed, I remember telling Joe something like this… It’s like God has been trying to get my attention. Trying to tell me how much he loves me and wants to give me good things and delights in providing me with great joy! He’s been giving me such good gifts, like letting us conceive, see the baby through delivery, and give us a little girl. And the natural birth I wanted so badly. He gave me everything I wanted and more in this pregnancy, birth, and child...as if to say, “Jamie, NOW do you believe that I love you and want to give you good things?” And I remember Joe’s exact words in response: “He has not withheld anything.”
Of course, God does not always give us what we want...or what we THINK we want. Of course, sometimes he takes away good things he gives us, and he has that right. But good golly, he sure was trying to get my attention to tell me that he loves me a whole lot. And whatever happens from here on out in life, be it good or hard, may I always remember that Andrie is HIS before she is ours. May I always remember that he has abundantly poured out his grace.
He has not withheld anything.
FURTHER REFLECTION
And God, in his grace, has also allowed me to see the things that did not go right during Andrie’s birth. Some might think I’m being silly or dramatic, or looking for things that went wrong. But over the last 18 months of processing every little step of my birth, my eyes have been opened to some injustices.
Maybe you read my birth story and didn’t give a single sentence a second thought. And I purposefully did not elaborate on any wrongdoings during the story because in spite of them, I love my birth story. I am proud of myself. I am at peace with everything and I thank God for that. But that doesn’t mean I won’t talk about the hard stuff. Maybe you are confused, trying to think back to what you read that would count as an injustice. If that’s you, I beg you to keep reading. I beg you to think back to your own birth story and keep these things in mind as you prepare for future births. Because what I am about to point out is happening constantly throughout our nation and it NEEDS TO CHANGE.
My midwife’s first wrongdoing was performing a cervical check without my consent. I was fully coherent, talking and listening, and fully able to give my consent, but it was not asked for. Instead, I was helped onto the bed, and without knowing what was happening or asking for my permission, my leg was lifted by a nurse and my midwife put her fingers into my vagina. This is assault.
Soon after, as I was on my back on the bed, I asked if I could sit up. I was told no, and that this was the best position to be in for baby to keep descending. But, I knew from my research that lying on your back is not an efficient way to birth a baby and often causes stalling because you are pushing against gravity, and blood flow to baby might be reduced. I also knew that many care providers want their patients in this position because it’s easier and more comfortable for them. The bottom line is, at NO point during my labor did my intuition tell me to lie on my back. I was on my hands and knees the entire time, and that is how I should have been allowed to birth my baby, because that’s what my body was telling me to do. That is my right. More on evidence-based birthing positions here.
I was told after my water was broken that I was going to push three times and have my baby. Well, that’s just not how it works. That is not mother-led pushing (mom listening to her body and letting gravity do the work). The only reason I only pushed 3-4 times was because I was given two episiotomies after pushing for only EIGHT MINUTES. Forcing pushing also increases the risk of tearing, and episiotomies, obviously.
When it came to not just one episiotomy, but two, I was again fully coherent, talking and listening, and fully able to give my consent. Joe was also right beside me but he was also not told what was about to happen. I cannot speak for my midwife on her reasoning, and I don’t believe that she had malicious intentions whatsoever, but cutting someone without their consent is, once again, assault.
The episiotomies were given because it seemed that Andrie’s heart rate was dropping. I use the word “seemed” because monitors can be inaccurate (there are many factors that go into this and I will not claim that one thing or another is 100% factual. Just sharing info that you can easily find in doing quick research). On the other hand, the longer I was on my back, the more Andrie’s heart rate dropped. I reiterate - I should have been allowed to birth in the position that my body was telling me to be in, and everything following (heart rate stuff, episiotomies) could have possibly been avoided.
After Andrie was born, I was told, “We are going to give you Pitocin to help control the bleeding.” First of all, this should have been a question, not a statement. The correct way to go about this would have been, “We’d like to give you Pitocin to help control the bleeding, is that alright?” I will also add that this has become so protocol that it isn’t even a matter of needing it. It’s just given as a standard. It was given to me as a preventative measure, not because I was bleeding excessively…because I wasn’t. Pitocin has been linked to postpartum depression, which I suffered greatly from, and still experience the effects of. Again, do a quick Google search on this and plenty of links will show a correlation.
There were things my midwife did well, and as I said earlier, I don’t believe she had any malicious intent. But what she did was still not okay. I am still suffering from the effects of the double episiotomy that I did not consent to. I had extra scar tissue built up after healing that caused a lot of discomfort and I had to have it numbed and removed THREE times. I wouldn’t wish a shot anywhere near the vagina on my worst enemy. It was truly the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. Three times. Eighteen months later I still experience discomfort sitting or standing for too long, during my menstrual cycles, and during sex. Had I not been given an episiotomy, I might have torn naturally and still experienced side effects from that, but I also might not have. But the way this went down, I wasn’t given a choice. And that is NOT OKAY.
It didn’t matter that I hired a midwife instead of an OB. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have an epidural. It didn’t matter that I did 90% of my laboring at home. It didn’t matter that I was told that all of the midwives at the practice I chose had “only ever done a handful of episiotomies each.” It didn’t matter that I was told that I’d be able to birth in the position of my choice. My choices were taken from me multiple times within 14 minutes (that is how long we were at the hospital before Andrie was born). And I know I’m not the only one. If you were checked or cut without the consent you were capable of giving, you were also assaulted. It doesn’t matter if you “feel” like it or not. You were. And so many other women are in the same boat. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE! Just because you’re in a hospital or anywhere else a birth professional is present does not mean that they get to make choices for you.
It’s YOUR body, YOUR baby, YOUR intuition, YOUR birth, YOUR choice. Know your rights, mama, and don’t be afraid to speak up for them!
IN CLOSING
I am so thankful for my baby girl. I am proud to have birthed her naturally, caught her with my husband, had an amazing golden hour, and breastfed right away. We will raise her to see birth as normal. As something to look forward to. We will raise her to know her rights and know when consent is needed. Her birth was perfect in so many ways and I look back on it with such fondness. And in the handful of ways it was imperfect, there has been a fire started inside of me that will fight for every mama out there to be listened to and respected by her care providers.
Andrie, you showed me how amazing birth can be. I loved birthing you and I would do it over and over again if I could. Your birth will encourage mamas for years to come because I love sharing about it and will continue to do so. And it will also help people realize what needs to change. You’re part of a revolution of normalizing birth and prioritizing consent. You are a tiny warrior, and I am so proud of you.
